Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
