Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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