I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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