Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
