Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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