I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
