Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
