dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
the liver wants what the liver wants
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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