so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
