I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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