awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
