Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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