I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
