So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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