Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
