Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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