it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize