he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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