my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
