I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
