I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
