I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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