It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Floor bacon is actually really good
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
