i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
