She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Come on in and take your pants off
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