I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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