two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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