why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Randomize
