My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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