How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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