Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
