if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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