this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
