Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
