Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The struggles of a small town man whore
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
