Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
