Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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