Everything about him screamed your future.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
