I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
