dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
