call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
