I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
