I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
