Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
