my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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