My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
