I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
