Can Purell be used as lube?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
