They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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