I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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