Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
