Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he fucked my hip out of place.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
