He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
