Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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