Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
